Chookah

Getting Existential on Y'all

How many of us get a fresh start in life?  It's a great opportunity filled with promise and nearly infinite options.

Problem is, there are a lot of options.

Options "A", "B" are attractive. Option "C" is even more so. Do I go for broke and jump at "D"?  What the hell is "D" anyway?

My mind is a swirling vortex of options and opportunities and this creates a thrashing mentality in me.  Because I got the histrionic over-achiever gene, I try to do everything all at the same time.  The spiral continues when I look at what I've done and feel crappy because I didn't get anything substantial done and the stuff I did get done was done in a half-assed kind of way and looks like shit.

I just need to focus on one, grab on and go!  But then...

Will "A" give me the satisfaction of a job well done?  Will "B" support my thirst for learning? What about "C", "D" and "E"? Do I even care about "E" anymore? Good Lord, I'm not in a state to pick any of them, but how do I get to that state?

Yep, I've spent many a night staring at the ceiling wishing for a magic wand and/or winning Lotto ticket.

Happy Birthday to me!

First off: thank you to everyone who came to the cinco de mayo/Sunny fete on Friday.  It was a blast. 

My birthday is a time of reflection for me.  This year i thought to myself, "Where did my 20's go?  I'm starting to feel old.  I see the time I've wasted more and more each day. And who in the hell is Deathcab for Cutie?"

• What did I do the past year?
• What do I want to do moving forward?
• What hurdles are in my way?
• What do I really need to buckle down and do in order to get there?
• What do I miss from my life that needs to come back? How did I get distracted enough to cut it out of my life when it brings me happiness?

Without going into too much detail, this has been the most stressful year of my life.  Those of you who know me well, know that I've struggled, that I've had a very difficult time, that I'm pulling out of it and am a much happier, increasingly well-adjusted, and aware human being - even during the times when I cry on your shoulders, I realize I'm in a much better place. You've seen me happy and even ecstatic and you've seen me in very low places. But you've seen me and that's what counts.

Thank you for being there for me.  It means the world to me.

What I want to do for the year.

• I want to spend a lot of time with Sebastian, challenge him to grow and develop into the wonderful person I see in him.
• I want to bring my family and friends closer to me.
• I need to bring my deep appreciation for art, music, books and dance back into my life..
• I want to become a better dancer and get to a higher level where I feel confident in my skills and presentation.
• I need to develop my "see the forest, don't focus on the trees" mentality.  It's all but absent right now.
• I need to beef up my self-confidence in all areas of my life.
• I need to learn and to grow!  I don't want to be stagnant any longer.

I've missed a lot of these things in my life and they must return.

Decorating

I went in to Restoration Hardware this week expecting to find the standard eclectic hardware, nice curtains, picture frames, cool gardening items, hard to find cleaning supplies, super-strong magnets at the cash wrap, great bath items and little chotchka toys from the 50’s and 60’s.  A fun store. 

I walk in and am immediately assaulted by a sales girl who was *all* up in my face, “Hi, what can I HELP you with?” As if she expected me to point to a $4,000 sleigh-bed and casually tell her to wrap three or four of them up. Me: “Um, nothing, I’m just going to look around.”  I shoot her a dirty look and bee-line for one side of the store.

As I made a loop around and through the store my disappointment grew. The company has done a complete renovation and transformation. The once inviting store is now cold, sterile and I didn’t want to touch a single item, let alone fork over my hard-earned cash for it. Their already high prices have gotten higher. Their sales people are pushy and judgmental. The store is completely unwelcoming. It wasn’t the experience I expected at all.

I walked across the cobblestone street and wound up in Pottery Barn. A completely different experience. The store is warm and inviting and they have items that would have value and meaning in my home (if the prices were about 50% lower). Sure, their employees are snotty and could care less that I needed help or had a question (especially when Jose is having problems with his boyfriend, Charley), but that’s Pottery Barn. I expect that from them.

The more I think about decorating my house the more I’m realizing that Target and Ikea are right up my alley… I’m cheap, I’m eclectic in my tastes, completely without a vision of what I want my home to look and feel like and did I mention that I’m cheap?

This leads me to Ikea. The great warehouse of the cheap decorating Gods. The great store that doesn’t have a presence in Utah, doesn’t sell/ship anything that’s not in the current catalog (though you can certainly try to buy it online), only sells 50% of the catalog items online and has the single most FUCKED up e-commerce channel I’ve ever encountered. (and did I mention that because they don’t have a store within 50 miles, they won’t even send me a catalog?) Nice.

I would, literally, spend thousands and thousands (THOUSANDS!) of dollars in a single visit or through their website if they were more organized and more receptive to me as a customer. Instead I’m left to wonder if the items I’m ordering online are a) actually available b) won’t have shipping charges greater than the sum of all the items in the order and c) if I’ll ever get the email from Ikea telling me about a & b (because, you can’t just order online, you have to WAIT 4-5 days for some rep at Ikea to get off their asses and tell me if it’s okay for me to give them my money.

Maybe my house is better bland with only crayon art decorating the lower 3’ section of the walls.

I'm Tired

I have so many things that I want to tell you all – from Sebastian’s ever-growing vocabulary, to the massive pre-teen sleepover that happened this weekend, to my newly emerging crisis over having just turned 30, etc.  I have photos, too (of the other stuff, not me having a personal crisis).

But I’m tired.

My house is a wreck (despite cleaning the kitchen THREE times this weekend, ugh).

I have a pile of laundry that’s taller than I am.

I have tons of work.

Aaron misses me (his wife).

If you happen to find me ass-up in your flower bed, please send me home, my family (and  I) miss me.

Dropping Shoes

I can't help but think that something bad is going to happen very soon.  I have this sense of impending doom that I just can't shake. It underlies everything that I've done for the past 3 months.  It's the doom monkey that I can't get off my back.

Maybe I'm too eager for spring and the grey weather (and snow) has got me down.

Maybe it's because I haven't had a relaxing or fun weekend for a loooong time.

Maybe it's because I worry so much and for so long that I'm staring at a total and complete breakdown.

Maybe I've been so focused on what other people need instead of what I need that I'm ready to say "fuck it all" and be a hermit in the hills.

I don't know what's going on, but whatever it is, I need it to stop.

When I was your age...

Yeah, yeah.  We know, you walked to school both ways, uphill, 12 miles, by YOURSELF to get to school...

But..

a) did you live in North Dakota?

b) did you get to ride a MULE to school?

Hmmmmm?

I thought not.

Do you know..

what sour milk smells like?

I do.

Thanks to the bottle that Sebastian stashed in his bedroom.  Thanks, Chookah.

He's a klepto, people.

Misguided parents

You know you're an misguided parent when both the mother and the father take their two-year old son to the doctors office because he ate a Milkbone and now he's throwing up.

It's all about the Milkbone and how it just doesn't agree with him.  <insert hand-wringing and wailing about the vile dog treat here>.

Yeah, it's got absolutely NOTHING to do with the church nursery (Biohazard level 5) he was in the day before.  "He was okay at church yesterday, even though little Sallie sneezed all over him, he doesn't look like he has a cold because he's throwing up."

Damn, dog treats.  Maybe we can get those banned in Utah, too.

My Weekend

You know what I’m looking forward to this week?  My weekend.

Yes, it’s only Monday.  Yes, there are 4 more days that stand in the way of this coming weekend.  But I’m still looking forward to my weekend.

This will be the first weekend since before Thanksgiving where we aren’t hosting a myriad of people at our house (not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s just been an every weekend kind of thing for a loooong time). Isabell and Eliana won’t be with us (I love them, but they add to the overall chaos factor, especially when they don’t listen to me.  “Dad’s the boss of this house,” Ellie told me yesterday.  That should give you a good idea of what the battle is like.).  I’ll be able to *not* clean my house if I don’t want to (not that I won’t, I just won’t feel the need to try and hide my poor housekeeping skills).  I will be able to run the errands I haven’t been able to run (like exchanging a couple of Christmas presents that don’t fit).  I will be able to create a new masthead for this site.  I will be able to update the photo albums, write a couple of posts and play with the layout. I’ll be able to file all the crap away that’s collecting on my desk.

I still won’t be able to sleep in (little Mr. Baker likes to get up early and go-go-go!), I still won’t get everything done that I want to get done. I’ll still go to the grocery store (among the top of the “most hated chore” list), I’ll still fret about food and what to make for dinner and lunch, I’ll still pace the house like a caged tiger at the zoo.

But it will be my weekend.

I can't wait!

Thinking to myself...

Is it *really* necessary to talk on your cell phone in the stall of a bathroom? I know you work in a cube farm and all and privacy is at a premium but come on!

I mean, how in the hell am I supposed to go poo in a bathroom when you're:
a) in the stall next to me (bad enough that I'm at work pooing and you're in the stall next to me)
b) you're chatting on the phone while peeing and
c) talking in Spanish so I can't even tell if you're talking about me!